Ah, Pain... Humans constantly feel pain in their daily life basis. Whether you deal with it or submit to it? It's up to you. Some people let it show; Others hide it. Me? I hide it. No one wants to know your whinning or complains. No one cares enough to even care unless you sob for attention - that's what I think. Physical pain is nothing compare to a wounded heart. If there's a bruise or cut, you know how to deal with it. Apply some medicine and it will heal in time but the pain you feel in your heart? That maybe a problem.
I don't know how to deal with the pain inflicted in you heart. If I'm sad or hurt, I tend to hide it. It's pure instinct. It's not my nature to complain or even cry quietly when nobody is looking. It's just my nature. So how do you deal with it? What would happen if you kept storing all that sadness and pain in you heart? A little voice in my head says that it's soooooo not a good idea keeping it in. But it's not like I can let it go either! I sincerely do not want the same thing happen all over again like when I was 14.
I learn an important lesson today: I'm sensitive to the word 'Ugly'. I don't know why. How do I react to such word? Simple: I kick the living crap of the person. But if that person happen to be my very own parents? Well, I sit down; My head down. You have no idea how it feels when your own parents comment about your very own style as ugly. Hell, I kept quiet about it since it was in the car but damn! I feel as though my heart stop for 10 seconds! Literally! If that wasn't bad enough, I got mock in addtion. It's just not my day.
Just because they had a bad day, it make no sense that it should affect me too. This isn't the first time. I know that there are others who experiences much worst then I do. I know a few of my classmates. But how they deal with the pain is something.... I simply cannot acomplish. When I look at them, I feel a twinge of sympathy. But it's not right how they deal with it. But I know one thing: The pain that they feel? They try to eradicate it from their heart. Unlike I do. How long can I keep it under control? The more you try to chain it, the more you're losing control.
I know because that is what happening to me right now... I just hope that it won't explode towards my family or friends. That what's frightens me. Are you being ungrateful? Please realize that they are worst kids than me. Far, far more worst. Aren't you grateful that I'm always obedient? Why can't you see that I try my best to make you proud of me? Sure, I can't act that I'm an adult yet. I'm still a teenager and I want to enjoy it. I want to be joyful. I want to sing loudly in my room. I want to have an irreplaceable time with my friends. I want to learn to love someone other than my family.
It's fine if I don't have a boyfriend. I know it's not my time yet but still, I want to learn that it's possible even for someone like me to love. I want to hang out with my friends outside of school session. I want to laugh like crazy because I'm happy. I don't want to hide anything anymore. I cannot be a teen at school and be your ideal of a perfect daughter at home. It's just too confusing. My emotions are all screw up. I'm not sure what will happen if I continue on like this. See? There's a lot that I don't know about myself. How can I figure it all out if you won't let me?
Still, I will always try my best to make you happy. I'm not ungrateful. I'm happy I think. Maybe this is like a roller coster of somesort. I always like roller coster. I like something that's frigtening. It's not my nature to be rebellious or unruly or wild. Even if I try to. I'm not seeking for attention either. I just enjoy being in solitude. I'm not talkative towards you unlike towards me friends. I'm afraid that you will think me as a disrespectful child. I cannot be similiar to my little sister. Happy, a little blur but friedly because I'm use to chainning myself so that I may not do anything unappropriate. Because of that, people see me as arrogant and selfish which in reality I'm not.
No one knows what's inside of my heart because I never open it to anyone. Not even to my little sister. I guess I have to make attempt to heal it. Heal it with anything that will make the pain go away. There are friends that I cherish very much but there are none that care about me enough. It's fine though. I cannot be ungrateful. I guess it's fine with my being like this. I try to hang in there as long as I could and after that? Who knows. I sure don't.
Why am I writing this? Is it because I can't cry? But I feel like it? I don't have anything against crying. It's just that I know that I will not be able to stop when I start crying. I call myself strong and dependful because I have to be. I cannot afford being helpless. I must be tough. I must make people see me as something that they should not be taken lightly. If not, I'll just be like those girls who cannot stand on their own.
My heart is still hurt right now but writting sure helps. I feel... A little better than before. Although my eyes are a little red I admit. All I know is that I cannot stay at home for long. I need to go out. Alone. Even if it's just at the park. I need to breathe on my own. Even if it's to the school too. I just pray that somehow, there will be someone who truly understand me. Heh, does that make me sound like a principessa wishing for her Principe Azzurro? I guess my life is somewhat a fairytail after all...
i fiori che sbocciano a mezzanotte è solo essere adorata dalla luna e le stelle solitarie piangere
(The flower that bloom at midnight shall only be adored by the lonely moon and the crying stars)
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