It's Been A while, Huh?

Hello there fellow Goths and monsters, I know that I haven't been updating my blog in a while now. I'm sory but I just found tons of songs, animes... Well, you know the drill. Anyway, my holidays are what consist of boring, brain raping and stupid. Suffice to say, I'm not enjoying myself. Bleh! To occupy me time, I started to write a new story call End Of Rapture. It's a Katekyo Hitman Reborn fanfiction. I will put my story in the fanfiction site soon. It was a good idea and I'm currently really into it! Because of my dediction towards my story, my family start saying that I'm lazy and slacking off! Even insulted me behind my back. I would probably be crush about that but that's was when I found a song call Karakuri Pierrot by Hatsune Miku. Althought the lyric didn't excatly reflect on my situation, it was comforting either way

I don't know why but this song cheer me up somehow

I also sang to the song for sometimes heh. I finally got my laptop back after a week of repairing the damn thing. Am I to brutal or is my stuff to fragile? True, I'm not the most gentle and ladylike person in the world but still, I think I know what the word 'gentle' mean you know? Anyway, I also thought of writing another story base on a song. If you read my previous blog, you know that I had already created one. I'm not sure what song though but I will post it soon so just be patient kay? If you're wondering what kind of anime is Katekyo Hitman Reborn than look at the pic below.

The reason why I love this anime? Simple, 'cause it fill with cute guys, fatal comedy and insane actions!

So yeah, I went to the anime's fanfiction site and holy shinigami, there are tons of stories about the anime! Fan stories of course but dang! Reading has always been my fav hobby. Alrighty, I guess I stop it here.Until later!

The last day of form 4... I SOOOO DON'T WANT TO ENTER FORM 5!

Today is Friday. But not just ANY Friday. Oh no, today marked the last day of form 4 for me and my friends. I so hate it... But whinning won't change a damn thing! I gotta admit though. Today was a little boring but at least I got to see my friends. Some of them at least. Oh! Forget about something; I'm also EXTREMELY happy that Rezkika have forgiven me! I guess she finally realize her mistake.

I also took the oppertunity to to snap some pictures to honour the last day of school. Before my long break in hell... Oops, sorry, I mean holidays. Back to topic! I snaps some random pics from today. Here are the few....

So yeah... Not to be vain but I thing I look pretty good in the pic with Rachel. Lol. I think there are some good changes that had happen to my face. I'm very pleased with it....

Everyday... I feel a step closer to becoming Lelouch Vi Britannia

Lelouch Vi Britannia. The hero in Code Geass. It's hard to believe that he's the hero because he control the world with an iron fist which later, in the final episode, his secrets is release: He intentionally wanted the world to hate him, focusing all the hatred on him so he plan his death in Suzaku's hands, ordering him to wear his Zero mask and thus, the Zero Requiem is born. The world has finally obtain peace thanks to the Zero Requiem and the truth are only known by Suzaku, Nunnally and Kallen. He sacrifice himself so that there would be a better tomorrow for C.C and his love ones...


Now, I'm not even close to him. I don't have his brains, his charisma or even his Geass. But the hatred focusing on him... Now that's a yes. I don't mind if everyone hated me. There's a lot to hate about me. That's why I didn't blame my friend, Rezkika for hating me. It was my fault. I think. I don't even sure. Though I have to admit... I still feel that pang of guilt. Diyanah advise me to leave her alone; Sooner or later she will understand. It just go to show that no matter how hard you try to take care of other people's feelings, they will always ignorant about yours. Is it my fault that I try so hard to balance my temper with kindness? I forgot that use to be solo. It's not that I'm Emo or anything... People just won't understand me...


School day is almost over. As the year about to end, I feel like I'm separating from my friends intentionally. Am I changing? I don't know... Actually, I'm getting sick of being Daddy's nice girl for so long. It's different went you go out with your friends and your family. With your friends, you don't need to hold back. You can laugh all you want and talk shit. With parents... All you can do is listen to them talking about exams, bills, works and your future. Where's the fun in that!? I'm tired to even reply them... Thank god I got Heidi to reply them for me. Great... Now I don't feel like saying anything... Have a good day!... I know I won't... 

The Beginning Of The Final Year Exam; The Flower Changes Its Colour...

Today is Saturday... Horaay!.. Screw that shit. Yesterday was the beginning of my final year exam and let me tell you something about it. It was Account. How messed up is that!? Account is like the second hardest subject for me! Sure, unlike the first year exam, I can actually do the paper but damn! If SPM paper is like that, I'm screwed. Fortunately, I had been studying for the subject for the entire week but I would be lying  if I said that I studied like mad. No, I did not. Give me a break... I can only study like for a couple of hours. My aim is not to fail on Account but at least get around 60% or 70%. I'm not a greedy girl. So anyway, back to the exam part. It was the second paper and I was halfway closing my document. I was in firm concentration that I could barely feel the heat of the afternoon!

It was almost finish. I just need to find the complete value. That, yes I emphasized on THAT! That was when something broke my concentration. The sound of blaring karaoke faintly echo throughout the class. It was stupidly annoying! Thanks to that, I had to redo everything AGAIN! Argh!, we were only give two and a half hour for the paper and I was running out of time. Suffice to say that it didn't go so well. Home wasn't too good either. I got scolded by my mum when I ask her if I could go to Danny's Open House on Saturday night. Tonight. She won't even listen to my reasons and all. Because I'm such a nice girl, I back off quietly. She didn't even discuss the matter with my dad at all. She simply making her own judgments around the house when my dad again.

Talk about abusing power. Today I had Math tuition at 8 in the morning. I didn't really minded; In fact, I was kinda looking forward to it. At least is being away from my hard-to-understand-that-your-children-is-growing-up family. Even if it's just for a couple of hours. While we were doing some math works, my teacher suddenly talk about some really cool stuff. Like Halal restaurants. I... Need to find new food joint in the near future unfortunately. After my Math tuition, I had to go to my hometown. My grandfather had an injured arm. I was happily listening to my songs in my handphone when a friend call. I was happy to receive his call since it's been ages since we last saw each other.

Of course, that was also the time when my parents want to talk to me! I seriously cannot understand them. They wanted to know about the position of the brain which I don't really know the answer. I ignore them and hope that they would respect me on the phone. But they never did. They mock me saying that one day I would care more about my friends than time. Well no shit! If they continue on treating me this way of course I would be more with my friends than you. They also said something about me growing up and my mum strongly disagree - saying that I need to study more. Damn... I'll be the one taking the exam. Not you. So why don't you back off and let me handle it my way? I don't order my sister and brother around like you do.

When I told them to do something, I said it once. I know that they will do it eventually so no point on pushing them. They're kids and kids suppose to be lazy. My final exam will last for a month and after day, school is official over. Now, most kids would scream with joy at the thought of that but not me. With school being out of commission, I am bound to be torture at home. No! Fuck-This-Shit! No! I need to think of an escape soon. Damn again. I watch Silent Hill 3 walkthrough last night. It was fun~ Then I watch Snake's Silent Hill 4 walkthrough. I laughed like crazy when he said a guy committed suicide by stabbing himself with a spoon. I laugh harder when he said by using a teaspoon. I can only imagine how long it took for the guy to die due to the blood lost.

Now it's late in the evening. My sister said that we would be going on to dinner. I immediately thought up 1000 things that could go wrong. Call me a pessimist but when you know how it's like to be me, you'll know. I don't have the mood to go out so to speak. I kept thinking about Danny's Open House tonight. How all of my classmates and friends would be there, having a great time laughing and shit while I'm stuck at a traffic jam with my short fuse dad. How exciting! Not! Ever since they call me ugly, my... Leash that they hold are starting to break free. How ironic. They chain me up so I will behave but because of them that the chains are breaking apart... 

My Pain Is Like A Mirror. Only I Can See It But I Cannot Do Anything About It

Ah, Pain... Humans constantly feel pain in their daily life basis. Whether you deal with it or submit to it? It's up to you. Some people let it show; Others hide it. Me? I hide it. No one wants to know your whinning or complains. No one cares enough to even care unless you sob for attention - that's what I think. Physical pain is nothing compare to a wounded heart. If there's a bruise or cut, you know how to deal with it. Apply some medicine and it will heal in time but the pain you feel in your heart? That maybe a problem.

I don't know how to deal with the pain inflicted in you heart. If I'm sad or hurt, I tend to hide it. It's pure instinct. It's not my nature to complain or even cry quietly when nobody is looking. It's just my nature. So how do you deal with it? What would happen if you kept storing all that sadness and pain in you heart? A little voice in my head says that it's soooooo not a good idea keeping it in. But it's not like I can let it go either! I sincerely do not want the same thing happen all over again like when I was 14.

I learn an important lesson today: I'm sensitive to the word 'Ugly'. I don't know why. How do I react to such word? Simple: I kick the living crap of the person. But if that person happen to be my very own parents? Well, I sit down; My head down. You have no idea how it feels when your own parents comment about your very own style as ugly. Hell, I kept quiet about it since it was in the car but damn! I feel as though my heart stop for 10 seconds! Literally! If that wasn't bad enough, I got mock in addtion. It's just not my day.

Just because they had a bad day, it make no sense that it should affect me too. This isn't the first time. I know that there are others who experiences much worst then I do. I know a few of my classmates. But how they deal with the pain is something.... I simply cannot acomplish. When I look at them, I feel a twinge of sympathy. But it's not right how they deal with it. But I know one thing: The pain that they feel? They try to eradicate it from their heart. Unlike I do. How long can I keep it under control? The more you try to chain it, the more you're losing control.

I know because that is what happening to me right now... I just hope that it won't explode towards my family or friends. That what's frightens me. Are you being ungrateful? Please realize that they are worst kids than me. Far, far more worst. Aren't you grateful that I'm always obedient? Why can't you see that I try my best to make you proud of me? Sure, I can't act that I'm an adult yet. I'm still a teenager and I want to enjoy it. I want to be joyful. I want to sing loudly in my room. I want to have an irreplaceable time with my friends. I want to learn to love someone other than my family.

It's fine if I don't have a boyfriend. I know it's not my time yet but still, I want to learn that it's possible even for someone like me to love. I want to hang out with my friends outside of school session. I want to laugh like crazy because I'm happy. I don't want to hide anything anymore. I cannot be a teen at school and be your ideal of a perfect daughter at home. It's just too confusing. My emotions are all screw up. I'm not sure what will happen if I continue on like this. See? There's a lot that I don't know about myself. How can I figure it all out if you won't let me?

Still, I will always try my best to make you happy. I'm not ungrateful. I'm happy I think. Maybe this is like a roller coster of somesort. I always like roller coster. I like something that's frigtening. It's not my nature to be rebellious or unruly or wild. Even if I try to. I'm not seeking for attention either. I just enjoy being in solitude. I'm not talkative towards you unlike towards me friends. I'm afraid that you will think me as a disrespectful child. I cannot be similiar to my little sister. Happy, a little blur but friedly because I'm use to chainning myself so that I may not do anything unappropriate. Because of that, people see me as arrogant and selfish which in reality I'm not.

No one knows what's inside of my heart because I never open it to anyone. Not even to my little sister. I guess I have to make attempt to heal it. Heal it with anything that will make the pain go away. There are friends that I cherish very much but there are none that care about me enough. It's fine though. I cannot be ungrateful. I guess it's fine with my being like this. I try to hang in there as long as I could and after that? Who knows. I sure don't.

Why am I writing this? Is it because I can't cry? But I feel like it? I don't have anything against crying. It's just that I know that I will not be able to stop when I start crying. I call myself strong and dependful because I have to be. I cannot afford being helpless. I must be tough. I must make people see me as something that they should not be taken lightly. If not, I'll just be like those girls who cannot stand on their own.

My heart is still hurt right now but writting sure helps. I feel... A little better than before. Although my eyes are a little red I admit. All I know is that I cannot stay at home for long. I need to go out. Alone. Even if it's just at the park. I need to breathe on my own. Even if it's to the school too. I just pray that somehow, there will be someone who truly understand me. Heh, does that make me sound like a principessa wishing for her Principe Azzurro? I guess my life is somewhat a fairytail after all...

i fiori che sbocciano a mezzanotte è solo essere adorata dalla luna e le stelle solitarie piangere
(The flower that bloom at midnight shall only be adored by the lonely moon and the crying stars)

The Most Awesome Guy Ever!!! XDDDD

The Day I struck down my Lover (Short story)

(Because of my annoying friend (Josiah) kept bugging me to post a new chapter of my story, I decided to give in and post the new chapter here. But before that, I have to admit. I haven't really write stories in a couple of months now so I'm a little rusty. So before I post my new chapter, I'm gonna do a short story about the song that I recently heard. It's from Sound Horizon - The Day When I Struck Down My Lover. It's an awesome song~ Well, hope you enjoy! XD)


The flame projected by the drawn bow freezes up the night sky

It was all my fault. Everything. If I hadn't went into the woods that night, none of this would of happen. You became like this because of me. I know that you would not wish to suffer like this. I know that you never meant to harm anyone. I know that from the bottom of my heart that this is my responsibility. But yet, I can't seem to pull the trigger. My hands are shaking with fear, sadness and uncertainty. Is this truly the only way? Isn't there anything I can do to save his life? My love, I know that you wouldn't want anything  more than this. So please.... Forgive me.

With a poem of departure, gallantly blue, I strike you down my love

The sound of a guns shot echo throughout the forest. Tears fell from my eyes like a rushing waterfall. I watch silently as your lifeless body fell on the ground. The tattoo on your body gradually fade away. I took a shaking step towards you. My legs feel like jelly; my strength began to left from my body. I try to stop crying since I know that you hate to see me cry. But at your current presence, I can not. Your expression that was fierce and unhumanlike had now turn to smilling. You seem at peace. And yet.... I am not. I don't know that you would forgive me but I couldn't. The sin for killing you is too much for me to bear. I should have notice the signs earlier. You kept them well hidden so that I wouldn't worry. My love, you know that I would do anything for you. My life without you would be meaningless. I don't know if we could meet again in the next life but if possible, please forgive me. After all, I am a human. I press the gun on my forehead. My love, please, please forgive me.....

Something long forgotten , a torn-open scar

It was just another ordinary, boring night. I was recently hunting for a certain wanted beast. Since I am a Monster Hunter, I live my life by hunting monsters, kill them and recive the rewards. It is a fulfiling life. I love every moment of it. I was always careful to take care of myself while hunting because not many girls at my age become a Monster Hunters. I travel from place to place; never staying at a town longer than 3 weeks. I don't have friends because of my job but it never bother me in the lishgtest. That night, while I was searching for clues about my current target around town, I went into a local bar. It was lively with people. No one that is around my age though. I sat in the most crowded area to eaves drop on the townsfolk. Fortunately, I manged to obtain a lot of information. As I got up to exit the bar, I saw you at a corner alone. You were staring at me as I was staring at you. Something inside of me tense up. I don't remember what now. Your clear blue eyes pierce through me as if searching for an answer within. I mentally slap myself and quickly left the bar. That was the fisrt time that we meet.

You have been bearing this cursed promise in your chest silently

Looks like I haven't research about the beast quite enough. It turns out the beast only emerges to rampage on the townsfolk in the night of the full moon. Well, I found out that piece of information when I was pounced as soon as the clouds reveal a full moon. The beast was quite frightful. It had sharp claws that can gouged your eyes, razor teeth that can tear flesh apart like tearing a cotton candy, inhuman strength and it's body is cover with black strange looking tattoos. Although the beast was on top of me, I remain calm. I have dealt with this kind of situation before. I shot the beast right in it's red eye's. The beast howl in pain and kick it off me. It crawl away and disappear. I let my guard down. I didn't think that it would attack me from above at all. Just as I was about to turn around, the beast leap from a nearby tree and thrust it's claws out to me. I would be a goner if you haven't show up. Everything happened too fast. I fell down on the ground as the beast fell in front of me. When I managed to calm my mind, the beast had already been killed. It had been slice apart by a dagger. "Are you okay?" Said a tired voice. The same man from the bar was standing behind me. You were out of breath. The daggers in your hands are cake with blood. A noticeable wound was on your left shoulder. That was the moment that we spent our short life together.

The cross-shaped flame embracing the moon wreathes around the briers

From friends, we become lovers. Because of you I decided to stay at the town. We were happy. I was happy. You treat like a girl; not a Hunter. You touch me with kindness and love. You were also a Monster Hunter but you are so unlike me. You treasure life and never intentionally steal a life from even a monster. You were truly special. Not just to me. To everyone. The townsfolk's respect and adore you. You treated everyone equally but not me. You treated more. You were very protective about me. You always make sure that I am happy and well. As time went by, I even forget that I was a Monster Hunter. You gave me a new life. A life that was in the brink of an ending.... Days turn to Weeks and Weeks turn to months. I had notice that you behavior is quite odd. You would always wake up in the middle of night and wander about in the woods. You rarely smile anymore and you seems to distant yourself from others. Even from me. I grew very worried but you seem not to care. I try everything I could to make you open up to me so that I could help you but you wave me away. I never stop trying. I kept trying to find the reason why you behave as such. If only I found sooner...

With this final arrow, gallantly white, I strike myself down

A night of a full moon. I woke up in the midnight finding that you are not next to me on the bed. Worried, I grab my gun and went out to search for you. All habits die hard. I circle around town twice and still no sign of you. So I decided to search for you in the woods. The woods was too quiet. The cold night air sent chills through my body. I carefully walk without making any noise. I abruptly stop by the sound of a sudden roar. I realized that I had walk to a lake occupy by a monster. It was staring into the lake. When it heard me, it snapped it's head back. I almost fainted. I cover my mouth in horror as my eyes widen with pain and shocked. It was my love. Partly. He look like a half man and half beast. His eyes narrowed and inhumanlike. His nails turn to claws and he had razor teeth. He was changing into a beast. Why...? I suddenly recalled that certain monster has the ability to pass it's curse to a victim by bitting or hurting me. My love was wounded by the beast in order to save me. It was my fault. Black tattoos start to form across his body. His face twisted with agony. I ran towards him but my love hold me back. I didn't obey. I hug him dearly. His body tensed with my action but then relax. We stay like that for a couple of minute. Suddenly, he pushed me away with such inhuman strength. Winced, I got up from the ground. I stare at my lover. The curse is taking over him. Above that, he looks in so much pain. What should I do? If the curse fully take over him, he would become a mindless savage beast and my lover would be gone for ever... But if i killed him - No! How could I think should a thing! My lover, although struggling to kept the curse on chain, somehow knew my thoughts. "Do it!" He begged.... Leaving me with the most the dificult decision in my life.

In a world where I have lost my lover, what colour will the flowers bloom?

BANG! I never regret anything. I enjoy my life and enjoy it with only you my love. Like I said, I don't know if we will be able to meet again but if we do, I really do wish you could forgive me for everything. Although I act like a tough and strong will girl, I cannot live without you my love. Let the world notice of our sacrifice towards one another and live to tell our tell. Our story start with a fate full encounter and ended with a sad destiny. But I never regret any of it. To me, my lover.... You are all that I had to live for....



(So was that good? Damn it was not. It meant to be short but it turn into this! Well, at least it's good to know that I haven't lost my novel writting skills XD)

My Favourite Subject Is..... ENGLISH! XD

The tittle said it all. Yup, I love English. Ever since I was little, my parents had encouraged me to read English books. At first, I was reluctant. Like most children would, but then it spark an interest in me. That was stage one. The second stage was speaking English. Back when I was six years old, it was a firm law that everyone had to speak English at home. If I didn't I would earn a free pinched on the arm. Ah, good times. As time flows on like a never ending river, my English slowly developed into something more mature. I was interested in William Shakespeare's works in the age of twelve. It was then when reading is my passion. When I read a book, I engrossed myself in its world. I suddenly became the main character. I feel thrill that I was in a different world. Even if it is a man-made.

English had a lot to offer. Especially, in the art of literature. I love reading classic literature like The Phantom Of The Opera, Romeo And Juliet, Hamlet Prince Of Denmark, Wuthering Height, Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde, Othello, Macbeth and so on. By reading, my writing skills become more smooth and mature. Sure, there would always be silly mistakes but that just proves that I'm human. I'm not perfect and tends to make mistake. Writing essays, letters or summary is never a problem for me. Only my current problem now is writing essay within the word limits. Once you have an idea to write something, it won't stop exploding in your head until you had run out of ink. Here's a tip to spice up your essay: read the dictionary. New and bombastic words tend to impress your English teacher when they read your essays. Believe me, it works.

English plays an important role to the community. The international language is English so better start brushing up on your English if you are planning to go on a holiday somewhere in Europe. In this age of modern and technology, everything is in English. The top universities in the and colleges in the world demand your excellence in English. Some people said that English is difficult but to me, if you want to ace in English the first step is to READ! Honestly, reading will improve your English by ten fold. All you need is time and patient. If your interest in English is deeper like me, you can start learning the old and classical English that William Shakespeare wrote in his stories. I admit, it will be confusing at first but if you kept working on it, it wouldn't even confound you anymore and you will soon enjoy it.

If you have master English and love to read, your imagination widen and I wouldn't be surprised if you woke up at three in the morning suddenly have the urges to write your very own story. Great authors start off by reading books and soon developed an inspiration to create their very own book. Example of great authors are J.K Rowling who wrote the Harry Potter series, Stephenie Meyer who wrote the Twilight series and Dan Brown who wrote the Da Vinci Code.